breast night of my life...

fuck buddhism...

fuck taoism...

fuck chanting and meditating- last night with a little help from my friends i discovered the path to nirvana lies in none of these- rather the light from within can be found at a bikini contest. and not just any weak ass bikini contest. the only bikini contests for me are the ones where my new god ***candy ass*** is competing in…

yesterday, i was just some ordinary 35 year old new yorker doing the daily fucking grind. single, not really happy with my job, shrinking penis, ass herpes, etc...

i was done for.

out.

finished.

kaput.

people didn’t want to have anything to do with me. sure i used to run the city back in the 1930's butt now i'm just some old single black mother tryin to earn a buck. i looked back on my life and remembered when i was 25, 15, and 5. life at 35 is not easy and i do not picture it getting any easier for the next 30. thoughts of suicide raced through my mind.

whatever, i thought. it’s cool. i’ve lived a good life. jesus died when he was 33...

i walked over to the fire escape with my head hung low, smoking a cigarette, contemplating ending it all with a non-stop direct flight 16 floors down. i flicked what i thought was going to be my last smoke and was about to follow in the footsteps of its trajectory to end this woeful existence.

right then I got a call that changed my life.

filthy nic called and said that candy’s performing in a bikini contest in far rockaway and that shit is AWWWNNNN for TONITE!

I was like Candy?!?!?!

Candy the white, prissy, JAP girl I met in some noho space?

turns out it was indeed that very same candy, butt I have never been more wrong about a first impression in my life. please. as i was soon about to discover, the girl is about as bitchen as rob halford in all his glory

so filthy nic (my sister for life), hot rob (beautiful boy with a beautiful heart), puerto rico (who as of last night moved up from crush #8 to crush #3), racey casey (goes pee in water bottles while driving then tries to make everyone in the car drink it and then looks aghast at you if you refuse), cali matt (passes out in the car ride home occasionally waking up and saying “moo”), paulrus the walrus (nicaraguan bound, disgnated driver)

and of course candy ass

we all sardined in a some rental van and drove up to far rockaway. there’s one bridge that’s really pretty on the way there. I don’t know the name of it, butt it looked really nice in both directions of the trip. well... i guess if i'm blogging, i'm online and i can google it. there it is- verrazano-narrows bridge. looks great at night with green lights. We got to the connolley’s at like 8ish and there were like 6 dudes there talking about farming sheep with manure or some shit.

i totes pulled candy aside like the brother in little miss sunshine and said we can’t let candy go out there.

we decided to go for a long romantic walk on the beach, smoked ciggies on the beach stoop, dipped our feet in the waters, traipsed over to some bearded clam bar to get some hair taco’s, yapped it up with the bartender. hot rob became creepy telling candy how to pose so he could get some good shots for his iphone.

after about 14 kamikaze’s, candy felt a little loose and we decided it was safe to meander back to connolley’s. we walked back on the boardwalk, all holding hands, we started getting naked, some people made out while others played leap frog. we saw some mosaic whale and mounted it, hot rob and racey casey sustained battle wounds from the whale.

we get to connolley’s at about 10:30pm and it’s a madhouse.

the next 3 hours is a bit boring. basically. hot and crowded and drunk and guido can summarize the experience neatly.

it is absolutely incredible how just outside the most cosmopolitan city in the world, you can get a good glimpse of full on americana. i'm talking like 90 seconds outside the city.

meanwhile... candily was handily getting drunker and drunker drinking vodka with tequila chasers.

the men’s competition finally came.

(schwing!)

the first guy out was wearing white sunglasses and danced to some insanely bad music i believe is known to be classified as HI-NRG. He stripped down to his skivvies to finally reveal a HOT 97 tattoo on his ass.

more incredible fucking beefcake

whatever

anushow, it was finally time for the women’s

the first three came out and were fine. whatever. girls in bikini's. whoo-hoo

then came our girl. the hero of night. my allah, my pope, my zeuss, my elvis...

Flo-Rida was cranked on the speakers with the jizzam of the summer and our girl came out with her face in her hands. I was like, aww shit!!! What the fuck is this embarrassed routine!?!? that's not what we rehearsed?! Then BLAMMO! her top comes off and nothing else in my life really matters... all of a sudden i am whisked away on the wings of fairies to a magical place and there is nowhere on earth or heaven i would rather be...

even though i was my sandwiched in between 8 large guido's with neck fat being pressed into my cheek, this was what they must call heaven because candy and her magical tits had me spellbound. holy shitballs. i could only see like 8% of what she was doing because my line of vision was obscured by people going absolutely ape shit. butt i'll tell you what bitch- that 8% of what I was watching was like having front row tickets to a prince concert.

better.

i mean it was just an ordinary wednesday night in far rockaway until one lonely knot becomes undone and then all of a sudden it’s fucking new years eve.

candy was awwwnnnnn fire! YEARGHE! it was almost too much candy! 26 people in the audience had to be rushed to the orthodontist- from all that sweet, wet, dripping, potent, hot, candy

she immediately got disqualified butt the judges couldn’t kick her off because they had raging boners themselves. no one knew what to do with her! no one had ever seen anything like it before in their lives! one righteous god-fearin’ woman tried to get up and stop it and candy pulled a .22 out of her ass and shot her dead on the spot and then ate her head!!!

that’s the truth.

i am crappin you negative son…

i thought I was a freak. holy shit, I’m a fucking pussy- i’m an altar boy next to this bitch…


candy ass- no one can top you when your topless.

i gots nothing butt respect for you.

you
are

insane,


poo!

dory toes...

best email ever...

Top 10 ways to be the funny guy in the office:

10. Keep telling the same person that they have bad breath even if
they don't, and then punch them in the face.

9. Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. After everyone gives you
the sympathy remarks, tell them how you are just kidding and tell them
that they are a bunch of queers.

8. Before a meeting fill your mouth with custard. During the meeting,
put one finger in the air and make like you are hocking up a big
loogie. Then spit the custard into a clear glass and hand it to the
person next to you and say, 'beat that'.

7. Inform a male co-worker that he 'wouldn't make a good hooker.' Then
piss in his coffee and tell him that he needs a good 'ass fucking'.

6. Always walk around with a big smile on your face and keep one hand
down your pants.

5. Answer every question asked to you with "fuck if I know!" then call
the person a racial slur that doesn't match their race.

4. Brag about the fact that you own a gun, and keep playing with your
nuts. Get them really sweaty, and then walk around shaking everyone's hand.

3.Shit on the floor of your office and when someone comes in and sees
it, tell them its the fake kind. When they try to pick it up and
realize that their hand is full of shit, laugh and point.

2. Run down the hall with your dick hanging out while pissing all over
and yell, "it wont stop! God help me! It wont stop!" Then when it
stops, look down and say, "oh".

1. Ask to borrow someone's pen. Bring it to the bathroom and stick it
in your ass. Return it and tell the person to smell it. When they tell
you it smells bad, be like, "It should! I had it in my ass!"

back to school

so today was my first day in school in like seriously 15 years or so. and even 15 years ago, when i was in school i was arguable incoherent.

terrified

seriously wet

embalming fluid

crazy. i mean... i had a crazy night. butt crazier still, i went to some stupid link today where there was a woman dancing with her dog to "you're the one that i want" from grease. i can't embed because i just can't this morning. i was seriously disassociated last night. it was an epic night with quirx, g, and horse and we went back to the 70s.

anyhow watched this vid this morning http://www.koreus.com/video/chien-danseur.html while listening to my itunes playlist. the movie starts playing and then like 40 seconds into it, the song comes on. whatever, the vid is stupid, butt at the same exact (maybe 1 second off) the same song comes on my itunes. that is like when you're flipping radio stations and you hear the exact same song playing. butt times 20!

that is absolutely isnance!

i'm going to celebrate and masturbate...

HELP La MaMa WIN $50,000

hygiene poogene...

i pungot to mention that i'm also going to start washing my hands after i go the bathroom. not because i think they get dirtier after i go to the bathroom, butt it's a good excuse to wash my hands. sometimes i just wash my hands and everytime i do, there is serious brown water... so- i'm 35 now. i'm going to wash my hands more often...

i also admit i pungot how to spell hygiene for a minute and had to google it.

integrity...

that is my matt daddy one word resolution of the year and it's been tough butt i been keeping it up butt i do need to ask you where do i draw the line. the other day i wanted to leave filthy nic's apt butt i saw dishes in her sink, so i thought integrity and went back and did them. good job. today, i was at some primary party eating pizza even though i had my first solid BM's in two days and i went pee on the floor. i noticed i kinda squirted north and missed the rim a bit. i thought integrity and wiped my mess up. upon doing so i also noticed that there was pee on the floor before the toilet where there usually is pee on the floor. i didn't know if that was my pee or someone else's urine, butt i wiped it up out if integritious manners, butt is that being integritious or is that going to far? i dunno... i didn't feel better doing it. that's all. i was moe-tivated to write today because she was writing at the party. happy new year everybody.