Hooray for Jock Itch!

or whatever that shit was on my penis! some sorta skin irritation because my member was between me and the surfboard. anushow, it was like itching and shit and then i went and saw a doctor and i liked dropped my pants and showed my penis to the doctor and she mucked around with it and said, nope... not an STD!

i like bounced back up off the chair and started hugging her and shaking her hand and ran around the whole medical center shaking peoples hands like they do in the movies in texas when the shuttle takes off or something.

so...

now that i'm clean, who wants to FUCK!

yay!

so long old pal...

i will update about my awesome hawaii trip soon, and i still somewheres owe an update of p's visit and epic halloween week, however today is the last day i am smoking cigarettes. (crossing my fingers that usually hold my smoke) so... i'm trying to get a carton in me in the next 24 hours. it's actually very sad. i feel like i'm leaving a friend, a lover of 15 years that's been through it all. butt as the girl in the elevator at spring street said, she ain't loving you back. i'm going to miss not all, butt some of the cigs i have are so precious... a bit scared and a bit- i dunno, lonely?!?!?! i'm just going to miss it is all. if only it weren't so cool...

oh well. fare the well sweet tobacco. thanks for the memories...

shit.

just like a girlfriend. the minute i give her up, i want her more than life itself.... i love you camel lights. i really really do.

shit.

ord-lax - hawaii 2007

at o'hare airport (actually at josh's dads in maui- dope) and i'm on board a flight to LAX. Picked a chicken pesto sando at the airport. Planes to LA are funny because LA is funny. Bound to be a handful of dyed blonde heads dressed like they're on rodeo drive. this couple is early 40s , the woman with big blonde hair and then main wearing a tight shirt and he's in shape, but he shouldn't be wearing his shirt that tight. perfectly tussled hair though and the tribal tattoos and some wrinkles. also some sunset youth rockers with piercings and tattoos...

don't get me wrong- i love every minute of it. plus me dressed in sweats tucked into cowboy boots and faux gucci and my rojas t-shirt (LA based designer!) prolly looks pretty california.

my sando was wrapped in some plastic wrap with tons of strong tape on it. it was like super tape and i was futively trying trying to peel back the tape butt it's too complex so you try to bro it open with brute force, butt the tape wouldn't budge... finally, after strangling my sandwich for like 5 minutes i was finally able to get the wrapper off (or rather pulled the sandwich through an opening and pulled the sando through the opening) and polityly consumed my sandwich which now lie before me like in 6 pieces and they looked like they been through the wash. doesn't mean i won't be eating the airline food... it still falls into my favorite genre of food- free food...

looking out the iwndow, i see the baggage peeps throw my bag on the escalating ramp from 10 feet away. gorillas.

****

about to set down in LAX. my last landing into ORD from LGA was a bit rocky. i think the lady in the aisle over was praying not because it was rocky but because it looked like something she did everytime she did every time she landed...

anusways, i was thinking of dying (yay!) and how it doesn't really scare me to die. i mean i would feel horrible only because my mother would have to bury her son. don't misunderstand- i love life and think it's the best, butt it's difficult... fer shur. Die-ing? yeah crashing nad perishing in the flames with schrapnel bits embedded in my skull probably wouldn't be the most pleasureable thing so i'll keep living tonight and enjoy life now.

yes please, thanks you very much.

funny, i used to be scared of dying as a kid because i would be dead and my parents would have to clean my room and my mom would find some porn. funnier that i remembered this and then 2 hours later i was watching transformers in flight and shia le bouf said the exact sme thing innit. twenny from lax, 72 degrees and mountains and desert. california is the fucking best ever....

listening to the strokes right now because that was the t-shirt in tranformers. i thought they sucked for the longest time because angre beavery said he thought they sucked. i don't think so now and i don't think he would think so either actually.

(note to self) i don't understand internet certificates and secure ID, and radius servers in computing. i want to know what that means...

sorry...

the boy next to me is playing with a strecthy lizard and a darth vader. crazy... one of my most vivid childhood memories is of a show and tell in kindergarten (mrs basso's class) hmm.. maybe miss. basso.. anush how, i brought an alligator and luke skywalker and fought them for show and tell. just as the boy next to me thrust his trusty saber into the stretchy lizard's mouth did i do the exact same motion 30 years ago (but with luke). exactly... physical verbatim. crazy.

about to touch down in lax. really could hang here for 3 days to say hi to everyone and play here. butt i have more beautiful beaches to see, and i'm saying that in califonia...

jeez

at o'hare airport (actually at josh's dads in maui- dope) and i'm on board a flight to LAX. Picked a chicken pesto sando at the airport. Planes to LA are funny because LA is funny. Bound to be a handful of dyed blonde heads dressed like they're on rodeo drive. this couple is early 40s , the woman with big blonde hair and then main wearing a tight shirt and he's in shape, but he shouldn't be wearing his shirt that tight. perfectly tussled hair though and the tribal tattoos and some wrinkles. also some sunset youth rockers with piercings and tattoos...

don't get me wrong- i love every minute of it. plus me dressed in sweats tucked into cowboy boots and faux gucci and my rojas t-shirt (LA based designer!) prolly looks pretty california.

my sando was wrapped in some plastic wrap with tons of strong tape on it. it was like super tape and i was futively trying trying to peel back the tape butt it's too complex so you try to bro it open with brute force, butt the tape wouldn't budge... finally, after strangling my sandwich for like 5 minutes i was finally able to get the wrapper off (or rather pulled the sandwich through an opening and pulled the sando through the opening) and polityly consumed my sandwich which now lie before me like in 6 pieces and they looked like they been through the wash. doesn't mean i won't be eating the airline food... it still falls into my favorite genre of food- free food...

looking out the iwndow, i see the baggage peeps throw my bag on the escalating ramp from 10 feet away. gorillas.

****

about to set down in LAX. my last landing into ORD from LGA was a bit rocky. i think the lady in the aisle over was praying not because it was rocky but because it looked like something she did everytime she did every time she landed...

anusways, i was thinking of dying (yay!) and how it doesn't really scare me to die. i mean i would feel horrible only because my mother would have to bury her son. don't misunderstand- i love life and think it's the best, butt it's difficult... fer shur. Die-ing? yeah crashing nad perishing in the flames with schrapnel bits embedded in my skull probably wouldn't be the most pleasureable thing so i'll keep living tonight and enjoy life now.

yes please, thanks you very much.

funny, i used to be scared of dying as a kid because i would be dead and my parents would have to clean my room and my mom would find some porn. funnier that i remembered this and then 2 hours later i was watching transformers in flight and shia le bouf said the exact sme thing innit. twenny from lax, 72 degrees and mountains and desert. california is the fucking best ever....

listening to the strokes right now because that was the t-shirt in tranformers. i thought they sucked for the longest time because angre beavery said he thought they sucked. i don't think so now and i don't think he would think so either actually.

(note to self) i don't understand internet certificates and secure ID, and radius servers in computing. i want to know what that means...

sorry...

the boy next to me is playing with a strecthy lizard and a darth vader. crazy... one of my most vivid childhood memories is of a show and tell in kindergarten (mrs basso's class) hmm.. maybe miss. basso.. anush how, i brought an alligator and luke skywalker and fought them for show and tell. just as the boy next to me thrust his trusty saber into the stretchy lizard's mouth did i do the exact same motion 30 years ago (but with luke). exactly... physical verbatim. crazy.

about to touch down in lax. really could hang here for 3 days to say hi to everyone and play here. butt i have more beautiful beaches to see, and i'm saying that in califonia...

jeez

hmm.. was writing this in my notepad from 4 years ago. it;s filled with journal entries of touring poland for the first time and letters to mon ange begging for her back. on my way to hawaii. just got off the ground (literally) am currently over queens. jeez- flying shore is amazing... i wish it wasn't overcast right now becausei love the view from LGA directly over manhatan.

since i been in manhattan, i travelled a ton. lessee, i been to argentina (2x), italy (2x), vienna (2x) poland (2x), germany (2x) japan (2x), puerto rico (2x), colombia (2x), dominican republic, virgin islands, mexico, korea, taiwan, serbia, israel, brazil, czech republic, uruguay, and various us cities... i would still have to say my memre of hawaii still ranks it as my #1 all time favoritplace. this trip is for loose tea's wedding. the first gilr i kissed in nyc. we moved out here on the same day from the same city, but completely independent of each other. haven't seen her in years so it should be soooo good. golgo 22 is also out there, hee lived across the street from me as a kid so we been friends for like 25 years so that should be soooooo goood to. bradass and aloha ames are expecting to deliver the day front down in maui so maybe i can be a midwife or some shit... (now that i'm typing, i since have talked to bradass- they are stoked on their 1 week old son! - yayuh!). so that will be soooooo goood. too.

*sigh*

finally... my first true love r-dogg lives in oahu w/ her husband and kid. wow. i can't even tell you what we been through together, how much i learned from her and how much she influence me into who/what i am today. we ended things still very much in love butt it had to end... she is the best ever. i don't even know if i can bring myself up to talk/see herbw

*sigh*

fingering through one of my fave mags skymall. i love this shit. in this issue i want the marshmallow rifle (hammacker shclemmker), toaster oven/toaster combo (frontgate), and the mount anywhere tripod from skymall.

at o'hare at the point this point of writing (butt i'm actually at the w hotel now about to jump in the water in honolulu)

i got it i got it! and i'm starting to quit in two days!

anushow, i had this song caught in my head since israel and i just remembered 4 bars of the song. i knew it was by janet jackson and that's about it. i finally got it. it's called again of the album janet and i've listened to it 40 times straight. i love life again.

so much so that i'm quitting smoking after 15 years. i just bought into 280 bucks worth of non-smoking medication chantix to help me quit and shit. really busy now. i might be in plays from now until june. that means basically now nights or weekends from now until june. i dunno...

my mind is rambling, i'm listening to willie right now (a brief hiatus from janet) and i have to go to the gym then i gotta go meet recognize to see the new cohen brothers movie.

right now. i'm really happy. i gotta tell you all about p and halloween one day.

i love you!

poo!

dear abbey...

dear abbey,

well… I failed miserably last night. I would say that there’s a couple things I’m good at in life. Definitely not many, butt meeting new people and striking up conversation is not a worry for me and It’s something that I usually excel at. I have actually been dating (dating as in going on a specific date, not dating anyone) a lot lately and I would have to say it’s been fun. Nothing resulting into any fruition, but you go hang out with a completely new person, they’re pretty, and it’s fresh. What’s not fun about that? Anushow, last night I went on an expedition with a scottish farmer who cultivates his own land… I think that’s right. I met him at 9:45 at my neighborhood Vietnamese restaurant and we sat down and had dinner. It was all going okay until I hit this wall of exhaustion… like I said, when meeting people I would say if there was a problem it would be that I’m too much (read: annoying) for people, butt never am I boring…

Butt dude, I was a complete doorknob. I don’t know what happened. Maybe it was because I had previously been on 2 dates that week. Maybe it was because I was exhausted, butt still usually I recognize the importance of a first impression and can step up. Last night, I was far from it… I have never been so lost as I was last night. Weird… I think he was adorable which was the worst part of it. Or was it that I was feeding off his energy and our chemistry wasn’t there and I was just enamored by his hair?

I dunno… If he sucked, I wouldn’t be beating myself over it, butt the fact that I think I blew… well- it bloze. Like when I have a performance and I fucked up? I can’t do shit for days.

I’m not sure why I want to see him again if it means the possibility of making myself look like a milk dud again. butt I do want to see scott the farmer again…

we’ll see.

hmmm...

that's what i think.

i love new york

i had me some dinner at 90th and amsterdamn at new saigon with the israeli's and their friend farana... i then biked all the way home about 100 blocks, past the museum of natural history, through central park, along museum mile, the apple store, skimming times square, onwards to grand central station (my favorite building in new york), looking up at the met-life building, the crazy citigroup building that is standing on toothpics, crazy madison and lexington money stores, past koreatown, down to gramercy, on to st. marks street. all in 30 minutes to meet purist at kim's video. this city is incredible...

21 is far too young...

23 on the other hand doesn't seem so bad. maybe we age exponentially between the ages of 13-25 and every year you learn a lot. i had dinner with avocado last night. i'm usually pretty open on my thing, maybe i behave like a shady lady at times and use some codes. butt if you had the brain of a buttplug, you could probably break these codes...

so. i can't divulge my avocado history because it's too much. butt since i'm open, i just want you to know that there is a too much out there that i'm not going to tell you. (you being the world, the world being the 3 people a year that actually read my blog)

anushow, after afdy we walked in the rain. i was going to do african theme night, butt he wanted to go to barrio chino which was actually a much better call. la una and sorry were working and we ponied up to the bar after being all caught up in the torrential downpour. i was not at maximum poogene as the night before i was only able to sleep 3 hours due to being loopy with recognize and waxed the previous night.

she got the off the hook chile en nogada that was supposed to be in season due to pomegranate, butt then there were no pomegranates on the dish anyhow silly. i got the mad dope mariscos stew that was exploding with flavor on my tastebuddies.... we started with tacos and guacamole and ended with churros and chocolate. delishus meal made cheap compliments of la una

anyhow. after maybe 6 months in the making of us hanging out we hang out and it proved to be quite enchanting. i really should have slept more the night before because i wasn't quick. sorry avocado... butt he proved to be thoroughly enjoyable company. he's dating some girl right now that is supposedly superdope so i've no choice to see how and where this new found friendship leads.

however. this does represent a big shift in paradigm in choice that i can't divulge here... i know what it is, butt you don't.

more israel..

adi and olivier's wedding was spectacular. right on the coast in qesaria, right on the water with delicious argentian themed food. ceremony was short, dinner was right after, no speeches, and then straight to dancing. adi looked radiant in the dress she designed and never left the dance floor for like 5 hours. dope friends too...

next day i went with jake and his friend to herzliya beach. jake is way dope. he's got these eyes as big as moons and he's quirky and i love how his mind is quirky and weird, i became instantly enamored...

anushow hertzillya is a way a nicer beach than tel aviv and we hung out there all day. we got some shakhooka and some hoomoos. for going to the beach every day, i really haven't been getting super tan like i usually do. i left the beach around 5 and then had to quickly get ready for sharill's friends wedding. again, the wedding was very beautiful in a wonderful location. i met some really cool people again. there was actually another person that recognized me from the olivadi's wedding. i was embarassed because i was wearing the same suit. but that was crazy coincidence. the wedding was fun, butt i honestly wanted to run off to meet jake...

plus it was adiha's birthday. left the wedding, but adi's little gathering was over by the time i got back to the compound. i called jake and went to meet him at lima, lima. got there at 12:00am and met two of his brothers and shir was there as well. we stayed until like 4:30am, then went to some place they were playing more latin/samba type music where guys had their shirts off and were like four feet wide. we stayed there for a minnit, and then went to go eat. fred is a little boy but proceeded to eat 3 sandwiches and all my pasta. mini crush f'sho... we got back at like 6am and went to bed soon thereafter. problem was, i had to get up at 8am to go to haifa. it was yom kippur and i was driving up to haifa with sharill and yax. i had to catch a cab from mc to olivadi's and then get my overnight bag ready and then sharill picked me up and we went to the dopest beach of the entire trip. forget what it was called (dor habonim beach, that's why i took a picture of it!)

beautiful best beach in israel that i went to. people were putting up elaborate tents to camp out overnight for yom kippur. it was really nice and peaceful. we then left and then i went up to haifa and met stainmaker's sister to pick up her portfolio. hmm... vibes. we then went to sharill's house. her mom cooked us a meal, then we walked the streets of haifa overlooking the bahai garden's on yom kippur where the streets were full of people walking and biking because of the absence of cars. except for a few assholes. i returned and finally got a good night sleep for the first time in israel. the next day we woke up and yax came over and we hiked down a trail to a spring where we dipped in 7 times. we then walked past the arab community and went to the beach in haifa next to the monster. beautiful and quiet day. we returned and had dinner and i took the bus back to tel aviv.

last night, i met up with olivadi at the house and we went to go get really good hoomoos. jake came over later and i dunno... he left at like 3 and then i talked israel with olivadi until 4:30am. got to bed at 5:30 and woke up at 7:30 to catch my flight.

one of the best trips i've ever taken.

but maybe i always say that.

israel...

q: what do israeli's do after dinner?

a: they sit around and watch tel-avivsion...

yeah, nobody around here thought that was funny either. people all over the world are more alike than you think...

so i packed and turned 35. turning 35 is rough. now in my toiletry bag, i have kiehl's, glitter, eye-liner, and now denture glue and bunion remover. sat next to some 60 year old christian missionaries on the plane ride over. they gave me a bible for my birthday and when the whole plane was sleeping at midnight, they decided to sing happy birthday to me. nice people, butt- i would have given anything to sit next to an arab on the plane...

landed in tel aviv on my birthday. the world is amazing. you can hop on a plane and 10 hours later you are eating homemade moroccan food prepared by your friend's aunt where jesus was born and it's 88 degrees. it's been an amazing experience, waking up and swimming in the mediterranean sea to start the day. i made friends with the neighborhood cafe. "is that the barista? i heard Hebrew a meeeaaaan cup of coffee!"

(i promise there was a time in my life when i was funny)

hung out the first couple of days with my friend adi's beautiful family learning about them and their wonderful country. went and got some dope scarves at the flea market in jaffa. went to a moroccan henna party monday night until 3am and then woke up at 6am to catch a bus to the dead sea.

i got to the canyon where they saw me dressed in hot pants and flip flops and they're like... "umm it's a 4 hour hike in the lowest place on earth... do you have shoes and water and a map?" nope. all i had was flip flops, hair product, diet coke, and half a brain.

kinda neat. as hot and sunny as it is, you can't get sunburnt due to the atmospheric pressure... whatever that means. my rations proved to be enough. the hike was amazing complete with dramatic canyons and refreshing waterfalls to dip into. and i capped it off by floating in the dead sea (where only 11 species of bacteria can survive) for hours at some moroccan oasis looking at the stars peeking at jordan in the horizon. i wonder if when they showed the sixth sense over here, the kid says instead "i dead sea people"

(okay, that one didn't even make sense)

i missed the last bus and didn't have anywhere to sleep, so i had to beg these teenager girls for a ride to jerusalem. their father agreed only if i sat in front with him...

got to my hotel and woke up super early because i only had a half day to take in 4000 years of history. my god (literally). i been to quite a few old cities, butt i would have to say this one beats them all. the western wall, the muslim mosque where mohammed made his way to join allah, the tomb of the virgin mary, the church of the holy sepulchre (where christ spent his last hours)... i mean. all these things i've read and perhaps believed in at some point in my life butt never really thought of them as anything real. i mean seriously, i would not have been surprised if i turned the corner and ran into the tomb of santa claus (of course that's impossible, he was around last december). seriously. jerusalem packs more per square foot then disneyworld.

went to adi's wedding tonight on the coast and i can't believe how fun it was.

and the people (women) here are striking. you have a mix of moroccan, iraqi, ethiopian, egyptian bloods mixing with the polish, russian, romanian, hungarians. dark skinned people with blue eyes, light skinned people with asiatic features.

no wonder why this is the birthplace of so many religions. looking at all these women, you are certain you are in heaven...

one more wedding. then yom kippur in haifa before i get back to new york.

i missed a lot. 10 days is not nearly enough for a country with such a rich and diverse culture and history.

that's the report from the middle east. back to you jim.

q: what do israeli's do after dinner?

a: they sit around and watch tel-avivsion...

yeah i know. people in israel don't find it that funny either. maybe i'm losing it in my old age.

so i packed and turned 35. turning 35 is rough. now in my toiletry bag, i have kiehl's, glitter, eye-liner, and now denture glue and bunion remover. sat next to some 60 year old christian missionaries on the plane ride over. they gave me a bible for my birthday and when the whole plane was sleeping at midnight, they decided to sing happy birthday to me. nice people, butt...

landed in tel aviv on my birthday. the world is amazing. you can hop on a plane and 10 hours later you are eating homemade moroccan food prepared by your friend's aunt where jesus was born and it's 88 degrees. it's been an amazing experience, waking up and swimming in the mediterranean sea to start the day. i made friends with the neighborhood cafe. "is that the barista? i heard Hebrew a meeeaaaan cup of coffee!"

(i promise there was a time in my life when i was funny)

hung out the first couple of days with my friend adi's beautiful family learning about them and their wonderful country. went to a moroccan henna party monday night until 3am and then woke up at 6am to catch a bus to the dead sea. i got to the canyon where they saw me dressed in hot pants and flip flops and they're like... "umm it's a 4 hour hike. do you have shoes and water?" nope on the shoes, but i have one can of diet coke and some hair product! it proved to be enough. the hike was amazing complete with dramatic canyons and refreshing waterfalls to dip into. and i capped it off by floating in the dead sea for hours at some moroccan oasis looking at the stars. i missed the last bus and didn't have anywhere to sleep, so i had to beg these teenager girls for a ride to jerusalem. their father agreed only if i sat in front with him...

got to my hotel and woke up super early because i only had a half day to take in 4000 years of history. my god (literally). i been to quite a few old cities, butt i would have to say this one beats them all. the western wall, the muslim mosque where mohammed made his way to join allah, the tomb of the virgin mary, the church of the holy sepulchre (where christ spent his last hours)... i mean. all these things i've read and perhaps believed in at some point in my life butt never really thought of them as anything real. i mean seriously, i would not have been surprised if i turned the corner and ran into the tomb of santa claus (of course that's impossible, he was around last december). seriously. jerusalem packs more per square foot then disneyworld.

went to adi's wedding tonight on the coast and i can't believe how fun it was.

and the people (women) here are striking. you have a mix of moroccan, iraqi, ethiopian, egyptian bloods mixing with the polish, russian, romanian, hungarians. dark skinned people with blue eyes, light skinned people with asiatic features.
no wonder why this is the birthplace of so many religions. looking at all these women, you are certain you are in heaven...

one more wedding. then yom kippur in haifa before i get back to new york.

i missed a lot. 10 days is not nearly enough for a country with such a rich and diverse culture and history.

that's the report from the middle east. back to you jim.

35 israeli old

Crazy… I was sleeping soundly on Thursday morning when my phone rang at 9:30am to wake me up (I was pretty late for work) and the secret service was calling me from my downstairs neighbors house telling me they were coming up. It was a lady, so I got up and put some shorts on and a shirt and then fixed my hair a bit (it was a lady) and then answered the door. Here I am thinking, what of the billyuns of things did they catch me for? They come in and inform me that I was a victim of identity theft. Ugh… apparently someone from allied financial was selling records of people for a nice sum of money and used this to create new identities….

Ugh. And I was leaving for Israel the next day. All my credit cards and stuff were on like some temporary freeze and they have to call to confirm that I was really me using it, but I’d be in Israel. Butt it’s okay. I think we’re all good. The secret service seems to be the only purchase of my identity so’s I think I’m good.

Thanks secret service!

I started packing for me tel aviv trip and kate came over to say good-bye and help me pack and say happy birthday. got me a little crazy and she was well drunk... stainmaker came by later in the night and we had fun. she's great.

shit.

i gotta board the plane to tel aviv now. security to tel-aviv is mighty strict. 35 is weird. all i packed in my toiletries were denture glue and bunion remover. oh well...

supposed to be picked up at the airport by my friend who's getting hitched who i used to have a major crush on... she's picking me up and we're heading north.

i fucking packed everything except for one flip flop. i have the other one and i desperately need this other flip flop. it completes like 4 outfits. you think they have havaiana's in israel.

shit.

they better.

gunna go fly now.

shana tova!

eggs...

finally. i ate some eggs again. like i said before... i mean i don't eat eggs nearly as often as when i do, butt for some reason when you watch a bunch of cooking shows and watch all those delicous eggs, it makes you so hungry. butt eggs are much more important when you aren't eating them then when you are. don't get me wrong homey. i love me some eggs, butt it seems much much more important when you can't find any eggs to eat.

i leave for israel in about 39 hours. had dinner with tsol. nice. she's wonderful. two years in the making to have dinner with her at tsol. she seems to be doing just great. saw CR at 9th street market who was working butt didn't make anus money because it was dead because she didn't wave the money incense from the witch store. saw hot kate which is great because i'm going to miss her like crazy and i love her and we lived together for four years and she looked out for me on that one new year when i took too much el cid and she carried me home.

ended the night with jonathong in the park.

excited about israel.

i should pack. maybe i'll pack some fudge.

press the poo button!

PLAY THIS GAME

!!!!!I LOVE THE INTERNET!!!!!

you betta wax somebody...

Well. i diddit. 14 years after angry beaver and i naired and shaved our sphincters respectively, i decided to take the plunge and wax the glory hole. i've been terrified to do so. i mean legs yeah whatever, butt a sphincter. isn't it like your gums? isn't it like wet area on your body? it would be like waxing your gums. like pouring hot wax on your gums and then ripping it off. needless to say, i was terrified.

this fear was compounded by the fact that i was getting it done by the korean lady that's been painting my nails for the past four years so i like am kinda friends with her.

so i walk in and say i'm doing it. she takes me to the back room and says "okay, take off your pants." i'm like "what? i can't take off my pants, i know you!" so i take off my fuckin' pants... then i'm in my underwear and she's like, "take off your underwear." i'm like "what? are you fucking crazy?!?!!? i'm not gunna take off my fucking underwear!" and then i took off my fucking underwear and then immediately lied down on my stomach. i think i had small penis syndrome that day (because i usually have SPS everyday)...

anushow, she's like "now get on your side and raise one leg up" i get on my side and cup my hands over my fucking bare ass ballsack and then she's like "now with your fingers, reach deep into your crevice and spread your cheeks apart as wide as you can"

dude...

so i'm like fucking ass naked, on my side trying to hide my fucking nutsack with my hips and spreading my friggin ass cheeks so wide open that i could feel the wind blowing in my colon. had i known this was going to happen, i would have washed my ass for the poor lady (maybe), butt i didn't know. c'mon. how would i know... so like, i had taken a shit earlier and i mean, i didn't feel anus berries, butt i mean there had to be some residue... right? anyhow, she sprays my fucking sphincter with i'm something probably very similar to bleach or sulfuric acid to kill my shit smell and stains and then wipes it down.

it was then that i realized that she might have the worst job in the world.

she then takes a popsicle stick, dips it in scalding wax and smears that shit like butter all over my buns. dude. all over my fucking buns. it was the weirdest sensation. i didn't know if it was tickling or painful and i started writhing and screaming and giggling all over the table. homegirl with the worst job in the world had to hold me down. i felt like linda blair. it was like when i got my first rimjob and it felt so incredible that i lost control of my legs and kicked the girl in the head.

well.... the rips of tape came off with my fucking ass pubes attached and i think i didn't feel any more pain, because i was more just trying to deal with the humiliation.

i got this done for the ladies only to remember i got no ladies. and i got no ladies that really wanna eat bung.

so, i showed it off to a lot of friends and i'm happy i did it.

it's weird. the farts on my bike ride home... i would fart and the fart bubble would ride my crevice up to the top of my crack and then release itself into this cruel world.

that's my story.

love you!

poo!

HOLY CRAPBALLS!

I JUST FOUND OUT THE DEFINITION OF A WET NURSE!

weird people

is that at all so diffuicult? can people at the gym not look up from their feet after they see you five times because they don't want to say hi or are scared that they might have to enter a conversation past a normal hello? weak.

also... i was having a conversations with a girl with some dog on my street in front of my house. it was a delightful conversation and she was going to a dog birthday party. how lovely i thought. then the dog took a shit in front my house and she just walked off saying, "bye!" and i was like... i dunno what i was like. after a great conversation, can you ask someone to pick up their dogg shit?

weird.

people are weird.

and i'm probably one of the weirdest.

shit. being weird is not very conducive to getting some...

bye.

weight up!

hmmm....

izzit really an age thing? some or all of you (yes, all of you one reader out there reading this) know me well enought that every spring i have a personal goal of hitting the BBITW. (best body in the world) Now, over the past 4 years every may 1st, i hit that goal and you know... i walked around all summer with the BBITW. It was nice. i would basically train and diet my ass off between the months of march and april going to the gym 7 days a week eating just tofu and sand and then come may, when i would usually have to be donning a gold thong for my greek performances, i would hit my goal and thus look in the mirror all the livelong day. this would be great because my metabolism would be set and i could go to the beach all summer and nosh on pizza, burgers, and butter and i would be okay.

this year is different. we are doing romeo and juliet (which isn't doing so hot) unless you are an extremely generous reviewer, i would have to agree with the times... this adaptation is kinda weak...

i'll go more into that later, butt more importantly. this year my body is riding at LLTP (little less than perfect) i cannot hit the squares on the abs this year and my chest got thinner and i weight155, four pounds over the ideal BBITW weight.

i bought body fat calipers to measure, JG's stupid scale says i'm at 22%, but at the gym they say i'm at 8%. must be in between... butt to me the real measure is how i longingly look at myself in the mirror and i don't see the chunky square on my abs.

on the one hand it's a blessing. when i am that chiseled, i sometimes rip my shirts on the sharp right angles that my ripped muscles make. butt not this year....

is it because i changed my workout? because i ate four barrels of food at 4 cinco de mayo parties this year so that i weighed in at 162 after that week? is it because i'm 34 and things don't work like that? can one year produce such a precipitous decline?

i have been going to rehearsal after work, getting out of rehearsal at sometimes 11:30 and then going to the gym until 1am only to have to go back to work the next day at 9:00am and i repeat this for 5 days a week. and still... LLTP.

i asked my therapist, what up with that therapist? and she called me a perfectionist! first time i ever been called that! that's great!

anyhow.... sorry to disappoint all you ladeeeez and some of the fellas out there.

i'm still working on it.

life is crazy....

so...

yes. i'm picky and i'm difficult and i'm a hopeless romantic, i love to be in love based on no realistic grounds and i've never really committed to anyone yet and i'm 34 and i've repeated the same patterns for the past 20 years.

yeah. attractive, huh?

anushow, you go to (no joke) 17 weddings, best man for 3 of them and even though ive always been proud of the fact that i've lived your life against the grain, i can't help but be a little affected by all of this. i relish in the ebullience of the unions that seems beautiful. however i must say i have been to a few weddings where i felt a certain level of discomfort in supporting because they seemed like they were getting married just because society was telling them to get married.

so like yeah... the time comes when i'm finally to be open to being serious about relationships. now i have been in an abusive passionate volatile relationships and when shit is good... it's ecstasy, but when shit is bad... i don't even know how people can breathe. suffocating to say the least. anyhowcin no rush to make the wrong decision. at all.

butt ya know... willing for the first time to actually try.

i would say that in my life, there have been some close calls where i look back now and think maybe i should have stuck with so and so and maybe it would have worked out. butt then you also realize that love is one thing, going the distance is something entirely different. i still love many of the women i was with butt realize more than ever that long term relationships are also about compatability and as much as i love them, i look back knowing i made the right decision in not staying with them.

*sigh*

anyhow. like i said. in summary, i'm extrenekt picky and i'm a romantic that refuses to settle. so i've dated some wonderful, beautiful women but in the end grow bored with them. in the past month, i met this guy named joe montana. i was always taking women out and making these elaborate plans of extreme fun scenario's and making them laugh. honestly... all of these women were wonderful, many got it and laughed along. some didn't laugh at all. doesn't mean they sucked, just the chemistry wasn't there. anyhow. i want to be impressed and dazzled for a change... not just someone that laughs with me, i want a participant. someone that makes me laugh...

a month ago, i met joe montana. we met. took it slow. was counseled on how to react to women because i suck at playing the game and usually go by instinct which usually translates to coming on too strong and me losing the girl.

anyhow we had lunch. great. we went to a dance festival and had dinner at chickpea. dude. we had our first dinner together at chickpea. he doesn't like the hamptons because of what it stands for. she's ridiculously hot and could get access to anywhere she would want in the hamptons, butt hates what is stands for. our first dinner date was at chickpea. dream girl.

anyhow. very unresponsive.... very weird. driving me nuts.

found out why.

life is all about timing.

my friends have foundshould maybe for the first time in your life be open to start being serious about relationships.

never mind this post.

too serious...

poo!

i'm busy...

sorry sorry sorry. i'm bizeeee....

busy with work. busy rehearsing, busy watching the warriors shred, busy ebaying trying to get my throwback nate thurmond jersey, busy with double d, busy with dg. sorreeee. update coming soon. if you wait tooo long it becomes overwhelming. cryptic, but it's good not to fester over these species. double as yet to call and it feels fine. not fine, but ya know.... fine

be back very soon.

poo!

fasting and cleansing...

hey every juan!

lots have happened i think. i went to a pool party with girlhattan. i started reharsing for romeo and juliet. i missed two very important parties. i am tybalt. i have to sing. i started using a cleaning lady today and she changed my life... biggest thing is that i started a cleanse. today is day 2. it is the master cleanse.

not trying to lose weight, butt i weighed in at 159. 8 pounds over bbitw ideal weight. aside from that, i am trying to quit smoking and drink less soda pop. today after two days of eating nada, i wigh 158. i must be drinking a lot of that crazy liquid. i have the fuzzy tongue today. the salt water enema in the morning is insane. i mean, i've seen lotsa poo's. lotsa poo's... i'm the poogene fer cryin out loud. butt today after that enema, i took a flourescent shit that was so explosive i had to wipe my thighs and hips... after realizing that was impossible, i just needed to shower.

stay tuned.

this is going to get weirder.

Pooetry Classic Time! - Aug 31, 2005

here was my ad on craigslist when searching for a new apt two years ago. happy springtime everybody... every juan should really be happy now that the sun is out...



*******************************

hello dearest beautiful friends,

my name is eugene the poogene ...

it appears that after living in the soho neighborhood for two and a half years, i have concluded that i'm probably a little bit too beautiful for this neighborhood. i can no longer stand the guilty pangs i feel in my heart when models walk around with their portfolios and then jump off buildings in despair after looking at me and realizing they have little chance of "making it"

like many other martyrs before me, i have decided that i must move back to the east village.

i was planning on living alone but am open to living with a suitable roomate with similar similarities... before i start the broker route, i decided to tap into my own resources... thus:

here's me in a nutshell :

here's some more info about me:

* when you watch HBO, i have a tendency to sit on top of the television in my underwear and stare at you with a lost gaze (...but only HBO!)

* once a month, i will hold my satanic theater company meetings where we will sacrifice a small goat. these will preferably be held in your room since i just got a new bed.

* i do buy milk, but for some reason i like to drink your milk... out of the carton (but i will fill it back to the point where i drank with my milk... you won't even notice!)

* i like to remain physically fit but my gym doesn't have a pool. so at 4am you will find me doing laps in the kitchen sink.

* if i see a cockroach or a rat i will most likely scream "ARMAGEDDON" and then hide in the "cool 'n' crisp" drawer of our fridge until said creature is properly disposed of.

* i sleepwalk with knives

If this sounds liike a perfect match and an AMAZING opportunity of a lifetime for you or anyone you know that would like to live out their fantasy, i will be holding roomate auditions in the puck building next thursday. life is too short to keep us apart any longer.

for real! i'm planning on moving out october 1. if you know of a place or cool person in a similar sitch lemme know!

sorry to bug you all and thanks so much for your consideration and i love you and i think you're beautiful...

fart!

eugene the poogene

keep moving... nothing to see

hmmm...

our work refridgerator smells today and i sit near it. at first i thought it was my ass and coincidentally every time someone opened the fridge door i could smell my ass. i thought this to be a weird coincidence, butt you can't fool the poogene for long!

that's no coincidence! it's not my ass! it's the fridge.

much much more has happened. butt i been lazy. started buddhism lectures, therapy, and meditation. i always say therapy and meditation, and everyone is like can i get some medication? nope. meditation. it's nice, butt finding 5 minutes a day to meditate is very difficult actually. i mean it's time that could be spent looking in the mirror for god sake. there is a meditation room in soho at the open center which i go to which makes it easier. however it would be more motivating if they had a mirror. and i'm not sure what i'm supposed to be feeling or what the point is yet, butt i'm sure the point of meditation is not to meditate on how soon the 5 minutes is going to end.

speaking of mirrors. they took down the mirrors at the crunch street lafayette gym men's locker room. it's like dude! WTF!??!?! it's not fair that everyone butt me gets to look at my bodacious bod. i wanna look at my body too! they must be jealous of me

the snoppy poster up top. this is my favorite picture of all time. if anyone can find me a poster i'd be much obliged...


yay!

out of left field!

hey there.... just got back from puerto rico surfing with nic and jbrecognize, david, roi, avi, and mogul. butt more than this, i needed to tell you the crazy insane news that i didn't expect at all. my beloved elf swan mickster and my beloved artie have decided to tie the knot. they did so last like the tuesday after that presidents day holiday. they called me up and i guess artie got down on his knees and called her dad and shit and asked for permission and then proposed to her at the restaurant they had their first dinner at inside moto!

can you belee dat?

right there in front of a buncha people. i guess it was the inevitable and i guess they are buying a house together in austin, butt for some reason i just didn't think it was gunna happen anytime soon. right there with his mother's wedding ring.

i'm sooooooooo happy for them and for me.

i been asked to be the co best man for the third time in my life and this one seems to be quite the honor as i wasn't even expecting to be up for nomination this time. well, they're all very honorous butt i wasn't expecting this at all.

anushow.

congratulations artie and mickster. i'm so happy for you guys and i love you so much!

yay!

poo!

miscount!

daddy porkchop said i could update my blog, butt to keep it short as to keep the ekwee-ass up on my blog. anushow, i was looking at my site counter and it was at like 1,096 visitors and for some reason i thought 4 more visitors would hit 2000 people! ha! isn't that laugh out loud funny? four more people! two thousand! isn't that funny? hoooo haa! i had a crazy great dream yesterday. ooo and antony were in it. so were orca's and big giant waves in mexico and ghosts... it was great. i have big news to share with you, butt later. i have a problem with #1. i %^% so much. the four on the floor.. hm. that's all i can write.

fart!

testing...

http://theater.nytimes.com/2006/05/24/theater/reviews/24phae.html

http://www.curtainup.com/asclepius09.html

http://www.thevillager.com/villager_214/notyourparents.html

http://theater.nytimes.com/2009/01/30/theater/reviews/30corn.html?fta=y

http://www.loco7.org/9_windows/index.html

http://www.offoffonline.com/archives.php?id=74

http://www.offoffonline.com/archiveprinterfriendly.php?id=743

do you smell something burning? shit! i'm on FIRE!!!!

can't go into specifics. not because i'm modest... (god no) butt i think it would be very tacky and it's disrepectful- butt believe me if there was ever a time i wanted to be disrespectful and tacky. this is it!

ok.

i'll share a smidge. hell must be icy as hell and donkey's must be flying because i am having a lot of eggs lately.

there. that's all you get. yup. all you two readers out there! that's all you get bitches!

first off. i'd like to thank daddy porkchop for this beautiful animated gif. a pic he took from the amazing website which is indeed, the superficial and made it his own. or rather my own for me. that really is harry potter in equus, or in this case unhairy pooter.

what else has been going on?


i have been on the counties for over a week which probably wasn't too smart. my last experience with jimmy was on the counties and we ended up having eggs and all i could muster up was a small rubbery penis. and then he had to leave for korea the next day. not exactly the last note you want someone to remember you by...

oops!

it is friggin cold. i don't ever remember it being this cold for such an extended period of time in new york. single digits for like a month now? there was snow on the ground so i decided to be cute and write jimmy + poogene with a heart drawn around it and send it to jimmy... how do these people do it? by the time i was finishing his name my finger was purple and had no feeling and thus the writing looked like slop. can't even read the last letters of her name and then i just made poo instead of poogene. the heart? are you kidding me? maybe in my braver years... anushow in the end it said something like jim&^ + poo with no heart.

uhm... almost kinda romantic in some parts of the world. maybes?

valentines day was actually fun this year. however before i decided to go to the gymnasty and it was at like 7:30pm when all the lovebirds were at dinner. i was like, oh god i don't even wanna go cuz it'll be like oh! that guy's all alone on vday! butt then i thought maybe there'll be another cute lonely juan out there.

umm. no-

seems like everyone at crunch has a sweetheart except for me, some crazy haag in pink and green tights that sings out loud while on the stairmaster, and a balding dude with a krokus t-shirt. bowing my head in disappointment, i continued on to to work my chest and shoulders and i looked in the mirror. i was wearing pink socks and women's versace sweats that displayed the outline of my penis which was about a leviathan like 1.2 inches.

hm... i guess i was in like company after all.

butt then i went to shortie's vday party and met up with manderoni and that was really good to see them....

then i went to friko's party and it was an anti-vday party. anti-vday are weird because they are basically singles parties and singles parties are fuckin weird dude. it's like hello! i'm alone, let's try and meet and maybe something will work out, here's my number. or like you talk to someone and they're like- don't even think about it bub. i'm like think about what? i just want to meet you people. maybe not.

i dunno. wahtever it was. i just like talking to people without that pressure, not to say i'm not one of the lonely ones, butt i couldn't take that environ. i split after my obligatory 20 minutes to the host and then had a very nice rest of the night.

saw the voysey affair at the atlantic theater company, easily one of the best companies in the united states now... (mamet/macy) on friday night which was extremely well acted and put together. went with tanya fun club and she proved to be quite a fun personality. hope to see her again soon. ooops! i did! today! she gave me a massage w/ reiki.

can't say my neck feels any better. it's really spiraling out of control now and i need for it to change. i was banking on the technology and medicine to have replaceable body parts by now. like going into a duane reade and buying new neck and liver. as of right now. my neck is scrood.

enough for now.

sweet dreams.

i lost my book the jimmy gave me. i'm so sorry....

cocteau twins are so beautiful