first off- i need to update me shit more because i'm inspired by the likes of my eternally #1 crush in manhattan- she like just picked up and left for mexico drifted around and now is residing in los angels and is just having fun living life like the carefree monkey that she is. not only that butt this gorgeous multi-faceted diamond of a hussy just recently got engaged to some guy that totally gets my seal of approval. i actually didn't get to exchange words or bodily fluids with this guy, butt she is destined for greatness and i know if she is making a decision for her life this long, that he's gotta be stellar. in another life though, i do plan to fuck the shit of her...
holy shit! i just looked at her flickr shit! not only is she good about updating her blog, she tags every pic on flickr! shit is one!
anushow, about my mid life crisis...
i'm in san francisco now. home. feels good to be home. i was doing pretty good until i got buttcrack in the tl last night. along the way some homeless homo started saying how pretty i was and then got pretty aggressive. it was kinda weird and at one point i had to get defensive. the guy who helped me out was some weird black dude that was wearing a lime green neon shirt who lives in vallejo and said that the salad days in san francisco are over.
then i talked to antony about my mlc. he's like the 22nd person i been talking to about this so it's pretty well rehearsed. butt since out of anyone in my life i take his advice most to heart it was interesting and somewhat revealing.
basically it's this.
i'm all like 34 now. my job had offered me a director position which i turned down. this in itself made me wonder- why when everyone else my age and not even my age wants to ascend up the corporate ladder do i not want to? when am i going to be the one that accepts responsibility and wants to be the one in charge? i pondered this and then interviewed all these people to be my boss. some older some younger, butt many in the field for as long ass me, around 10 years. and they were SO smart. then it's like- if i been doing something for like 10 years, shouldn't i have a certain level of pride in me to want to do it well? so what if i'm not that into technology any more... 40 hours a week for ten years has been THE majority of my life. shouldn't i be a badass at it?
okay... i love evey juan. i really do. butt of course i look at people and think that guy/girl is a dumbass and sux my dick. butt then i look at some of these people and it's like what they have done and they have done amazing things with their life! these people that i always had an arrogant attitude towards that i was always a bit superior and more special, these people have accomplished much greater things than I! these average joes that i chide for being average are indeed more special than i. this is kinda weird. you see... i always thought that i had this kind of fire hankerin' down in my heart. a light that i needed to share with this here world and that i can accomplish great things. and i still feel it. butt in reality, i got nothing to prove it except for a few good nights of fun which really prove nothing. as far back as 5th grade, i could always remember i associated with the freaks, i wanted to distance myself from the status quo and hang out with the freaks who were destined for greatness. i still do, but the average joes are supersceding me and i am the one that is being left in this cloud of mediocrity.
women- at 25 i wasn't ready to settle down. fair enough. at 30 i think i met one or two people that i could've (in retrospect) spent my life with butt thought i wasn't ready. now at 34 i don't think i am either. dude. when am i going to be ready and want to grow up. what is this holden caulfield, peter pan shit?
the other day i got an email to audition for a staged reading at the apollo theater and i was recommended by fred ho for a collaboration he is working with ruth margraff. I'm like who are these people and how'd they get my name? and then i looked em up and they're pretty serious heads- how'd they get my name? why did he recommend my ass? anushow i'm scared to do it because it sounds so great...
therein lies the answer- i think i am clouded with fear. i don't know how i got to this point butt it's a bit terrifying. the good thing is that i recognize this. the bad is that i can see myself needing to change butt not doing anything about it butt worry about how to change it for the next 10 years. something needs to happen and it ain't gunna happen by me just pondering and playing all day. i know what it takes to master things and it takes dedication and work.
i ain't lazy and i am hyperactive and involved in a lot. in fact if i were to sit and realize that i bought a house, performed and toured in over 15 countries, got written up in the times and the new yorker, well loved by friends and co-workers, excercise religously- that's all cool. if it it weren't for this arrogant belief that i was always destined for greatness, then i would be okay... problem is, is that i am just that. content. butt i want to go back to being elated- ebulliant.
i don't know. i am blessed in my life to be surrounded by the freaks in my life that are special. antony, ooo, daddy, pleasurable side, beaver patrol, girlhattan, crist renee, one-half, workhorse, three elephants, mon ange, g-meister, purist- they are all in their own way extremely inspring and some of these people are fearless. everyone is scared and full of fear. i'm scared that if i try something and fail it will be humiliating. dunno where this low self-esteem is coming from. the fact is, is that if i fall and fail which many are saying is a necessary step to success. mainly failures will ultimately lead to it so expect it. and the times i have fallen, it wasn't humiliating- the people i love will always love me.
i also think i forgot how to work hard. i used to know how to do this. butt if i go to the library with a pen and paper to write. i pretty much write down- i am an idiot why can't i write about anything.
the older you get the more anchors your lay down and the harder it is to leave what's comfortable. these are all excuses. as the ancient spanish proverb made famous in strictly ballroom- a life lived in fear is a life half lived.
better to fail than be scared.
life for me has always been a party. and if i go this new route and chase dreams and pursue new ones
i know i got a light inside of me that i need to share with the world. 2007 is the year to emit this.
just gotta figure out how. butt dude- not to be cliche butt you only live once and that life goes by so fast.
figure it out dude and stop messing around and conquer my fears.
that is the heed for the oh seven.
watch out world because something might not happen. butt i hope it will.
please.
i love you....
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