fuck

Sho! thish ish firftee shevemp- (sorry, let me put in my dentures-)

*click* okay…

So! This is thirty seven! “It’s not so bad” I thought as I downed my second can of ensure and fastened the straps on my depends. I put on my tri-focals and squinted at my list of things I had to do today in my newfound elderly state:

11:00 eat applesauce
12:00 take a nap
1:30 play cribbgage
3:30 take a nap
4:00 collect coins
4:30 complain
5:15 take a nap
6:00 knit
8:00 try to use the self service checkout counter and get confused when trying to pay with a check. When the attendant comes, I will say I also have some coupons.

Thanks family for remembering this day. This very special day in your life. Maybe the most important day in all your life. Probably the most significant event in the history of all mank-

Anyways… freals- Thanks so much for making this surreal segment of my life, extremely tolerable.