this time it's different...

this time it's sad as in a death

because this time i think i'm done fighting for it and it's really over. it's strange... this summer and the low points of this year were some of the worst i can remember. waaay worse than getting run over by the freight truck and when it came to tears over the summer, there were very little or none.

last night was different. the only two things that ever depress me are heartbreak and death. death is so confusing and out of our control and larger than life that in comparison it makes most breakups seem trivial. mind you i have thankfully never been through a homicide or violent death, butt when you are going through heartbreak there is rejection and there is ego and it clouds judgement in everything.

i mean i don't know what i'm ever talking about, butt anushow this time was different. last night i sobbed a deluge. and it was different. like a death. it was free of ego and rejection wasn't really an issue. it was pure sadness that it was over and with it a token of peace that it was going to be okay.

whereas these feelings were much more real than last summers, last summer hit me on the had like a jackhammer and the pain was much deeper and masked.

this is the admission that it's over and i should give up the fight for what i so believed to be true for about a year now.

i care so much for her. i love it when she gets really silly and scrunches her nose when she laughs really hard, i love it when she plays characters, i love it when she hugs me and shakes up and down, i love it when we snugs on weekend mornings, i love it when we're doin the deed, i love it when we fart, i love it when you do the karate chop boxing punch tilt head dance when you sing, i love it, i love it, i love it.

so many good things butt we i guess we can't seem to get some essential things in order to make it work and it's gone on too long.

it's just sad that i have to surrender, but sometimes you do.

and i'll be okay.

bye bye angel face.