stoopid

today i just wrote a very long letter to yeya who never writes me back. i haven't done this since i saw my shrinky dink. my old mode of thought is, what have i got to lose when i write these long ass emails to these people. and then in retrospect, it is some of the stupidest shit i've ever done.

i really haven't done it since judge gotomayer and have become calm, but i diddit again today and i think it's dumb.

butt you know what? i was about to stop writing, butt i just remembered that amidst all the anxiety and neurosis that went into these crazy emails to women, i remember that i was missing the passion that existed when i did this and it actually came back again today. i'm not going crazy about if she'll write back, butt at least i wrote a passionate email to a woman again, instead of the usual... "i've been good thanks, weekend was fun... let's meet up"

i was going to include an excerpt, butt i just reread the email and it is embarrassing...

butt passionate!

rather be insane and crazy and full of passion, that sedate and mundane. even if it means being more peaceful...

maybe not. butt maybe...

i ate a tomato

did i say i was recording my dreams? i dreamed a buncha FOB's were grouped around babs and daddy's new home in newport beach and they were all wearing duveritca puffy jackets from their fall/winter season.

i am dying to get filthy's windbreaks, butt they ain't selling anywheres in the us...

nice site tho - and if anyone can locate the men's spring 09 shit...

had lunch with fun club today. we had a slight thing 3 years ago and then i think i ended it because...

anyways... she's super cute and quirky... just way buddhist for me right now to the point where i feel a bit cheese. it's all me and it's a beautiful thing to bless your food in the thoughts that it will help heal you, but it takes a minute. butt like i said. that's an mp, not a yp

i mean... god i hope people don't actually read this shit, butt... ack- ne'er mind. i'll keep me mouth shut.

i admit. i smoke up a storm when stan was over last night. she don't read this... we have been getting together surprisingly well and she has been a wonderful help since she came back from turks.

ugh... what am i doing. this is pathetic.

okay- more lates.

***dreams***

dudes...

i have been having crazy guaco loco asada dreams as of late- like jung (me and him have lot in common) i've been writing down my dreams every morning and it's like anything with repetition. you just get better at it. so, i been writing down my dreams and i been remembering more and more every day. espesh with this chantix i been taking which is supposed to make you go crazy.... and it's making me have insane dreams which i love... anushow, i recommend it to everyone who likes freak...

so yesterday i dreamt that my apartment was broken in to and that everything was stolen. i remember blaming the roosky because he was feeding the squirrels and left the window unlocked. they took everything except the my farmhouse table bench because that shit weighs 300 pounds. that's not much fun. what's much fun is that it was so vivid that i was like "please let this be a dream, please let this be a dream" in my dream and then wheni woke from m y dream within my dream, shit was still stolen. so... way lucid dreamshit. then also i've been having a recurring dream of being able to walk and last night i think i was walking or crutching and then i fell down. i think i was trying to walk on my foot and i fell on it or some shit.

pretty sure that happened. maybe it was because i was a little fucked up and shit, but it was weird.

anyhow today i was paranoid about my foot feeling weird and dislocated and fucking up my foot even more.

recognize unwrapped it and it looke cool... so i think we're good.

you should write down your dreams, freak.

surgery, part doo!

ahhhh...

what's todaze. just turned midnight on sundee august 16, 2009. what a surreal summer. every day passes and while it's one of the worst, wettest summers on record in ny- there are the occasional byoots like today where the days are absolutely glorious. the prime usda choice summer days in new york that are dry enough so my hair behaves and i'm not sweating product into my face and my face is dry, butt it's still so ever hot ass hot so that the city slows down for a change and not only that, they're all walking around naked.

dude. i lubbit so much.

butt! today was one of those -and i woke up after not sleeping for two days because of a little pain and also pain killers. today was one of those days and i tried to sleep for as long as i could, because these days that's the funnest thing because time passes the quickes when you're sleeping. also i'm on the chantix which is known to give you crazy dreams and a coupla times i got the insane dreams and they are so vivid and so much fun.

anyways... more lates. i'm a bit tired of writing, but had the second surgery on thurgery and ... well- i'll tell you lates.

chowder!

poo!

you know who raised me?

so today since i can't move, hero went out to get my medication and some mixing bowls from moma. before she left she made me drink the rest of the prune juice to make room in me meager fridge. i was on a bunch painkillers so she was making me drink prune juice like everyday. hmm... so there was a little bit left and i've been off the meds, so i'm like no dude, if i drink it- you gotta drink it too. so we splitsville the rest...

then she went outand got my medication and she felt a little rumblin' in her pants. she was at the moma store in soho and was like. umm... you got a bathroom? they said across the street at startbucks. she went across the street and then there was a long ass line. she started prarie doggin' and then when she went in she had to throw away her underwear because it was soiled.

she went back to moma to buy my mixing bowls.

classy.

5 weeks...

oookay...

i think i'm officially over it. i ain't depressed or nothin, butt now there's really not that much to be happy about. it's summer and i wish i was out. i hate being on the couch. i have started writing more, read a lot of books, butt it's definitely not really me. i ventured out a couple times and i don't really like having to depend on people to help me out so that kinda bloze as well. also when i see people, usually i try to give off the impression that all is good in my life- because usually it is. butt i think this is a rather solemn period.

went to the doctor today. i'm a little pissed right now so excuse me if i'm venting latte, butt the second surgery got pushed back because the skin is still so fucked and we can't make any cutz into it or we risk infection to the bone which would be a disaster.

see?


wack.

today when i was pooping at the doctors, bilya freaked me out with all the germs in hospitals so i used those toilet covers. i haven't used on of those since jr. high! i remember i would always use them, and the i remember sinstain and hero came up to davis and we had a great debate on whether or not they were of any value. shinstain and i were both like, dood! just give it a good wipedown and sit down! hero conceded defeat and stopped using them.

i am so going to enjoy next summer.