weird people

is that at all so diffuicult? can people at the gym not look up from their feet after they see you five times because they don't want to say hi or are scared that they might have to enter a conversation past a normal hello? weak.

also... i was having a conversations with a girl with some dog on my street in front of my house. it was a delightful conversation and she was going to a dog birthday party. how lovely i thought. then the dog took a shit in front my house and she just walked off saying, "bye!" and i was like... i dunno what i was like. after a great conversation, can you ask someone to pick up their dogg shit?

weird.

people are weird.

and i'm probably one of the weirdest.

shit. being weird is not very conducive to getting some...

bye.

weight up!

hmmm....

izzit really an age thing? some or all of you (yes, all of you one reader out there reading this) know me well enought that every spring i have a personal goal of hitting the BBITW. (best body in the world) Now, over the past 4 years every may 1st, i hit that goal and you know... i walked around all summer with the BBITW. It was nice. i would basically train and diet my ass off between the months of march and april going to the gym 7 days a week eating just tofu and sand and then come may, when i would usually have to be donning a gold thong for my greek performances, i would hit my goal and thus look in the mirror all the livelong day. this would be great because my metabolism would be set and i could go to the beach all summer and nosh on pizza, burgers, and butter and i would be okay.

this year is different. we are doing romeo and juliet (which isn't doing so hot) unless you are an extremely generous reviewer, i would have to agree with the times... this adaptation is kinda weak...

i'll go more into that later, butt more importantly. this year my body is riding at LLTP (little less than perfect) i cannot hit the squares on the abs this year and my chest got thinner and i weight155, four pounds over the ideal BBITW weight.

i bought body fat calipers to measure, JG's stupid scale says i'm at 22%, but at the gym they say i'm at 8%. must be in between... butt to me the real measure is how i longingly look at myself in the mirror and i don't see the chunky square on my abs.

on the one hand it's a blessing. when i am that chiseled, i sometimes rip my shirts on the sharp right angles that my ripped muscles make. butt not this year....

is it because i changed my workout? because i ate four barrels of food at 4 cinco de mayo parties this year so that i weighed in at 162 after that week? is it because i'm 34 and things don't work like that? can one year produce such a precipitous decline?

i have been going to rehearsal after work, getting out of rehearsal at sometimes 11:30 and then going to the gym until 1am only to have to go back to work the next day at 9:00am and i repeat this for 5 days a week. and still... LLTP.

i asked my therapist, what up with that therapist? and she called me a perfectionist! first time i ever been called that! that's great!

anyhow.... sorry to disappoint all you ladeeeez and some of the fellas out there.

i'm still working on it.

life is crazy....

so...

yes. i'm picky and i'm difficult and i'm a hopeless romantic, i love to be in love based on no realistic grounds and i've never really committed to anyone yet and i'm 34 and i've repeated the same patterns for the past 20 years.

yeah. attractive, huh?

anushow, you go to (no joke) 17 weddings, best man for 3 of them and even though ive always been proud of the fact that i've lived your life against the grain, i can't help but be a little affected by all of this. i relish in the ebullience of the unions that seems beautiful. however i must say i have been to a few weddings where i felt a certain level of discomfort in supporting because they seemed like they were getting married just because society was telling them to get married.

so like yeah... the time comes when i'm finally to be open to being serious about relationships. now i have been in an abusive passionate volatile relationships and when shit is good... it's ecstasy, but when shit is bad... i don't even know how people can breathe. suffocating to say the least. anyhowcin no rush to make the wrong decision. at all.

butt ya know... willing for the first time to actually try.

i would say that in my life, there have been some close calls where i look back now and think maybe i should have stuck with so and so and maybe it would have worked out. butt then you also realize that love is one thing, going the distance is something entirely different. i still love many of the women i was with butt realize more than ever that long term relationships are also about compatability and as much as i love them, i look back knowing i made the right decision in not staying with them.

*sigh*

anyhow. like i said. in summary, i'm extrenekt picky and i'm a romantic that refuses to settle. so i've dated some wonderful, beautiful women but in the end grow bored with them. in the past month, i met this guy named joe montana. i was always taking women out and making these elaborate plans of extreme fun scenario's and making them laugh. honestly... all of these women were wonderful, many got it and laughed along. some didn't laugh at all. doesn't mean they sucked, just the chemistry wasn't there. anyhow. i want to be impressed and dazzled for a change... not just someone that laughs with me, i want a participant. someone that makes me laugh...

a month ago, i met joe montana. we met. took it slow. was counseled on how to react to women because i suck at playing the game and usually go by instinct which usually translates to coming on too strong and me losing the girl.

anyhow we had lunch. great. we went to a dance festival and had dinner at chickpea. dude. we had our first dinner together at chickpea. he doesn't like the hamptons because of what it stands for. she's ridiculously hot and could get access to anywhere she would want in the hamptons, butt hates what is stands for. our first dinner date was at chickpea. dream girl.

anyhow. very unresponsive.... very weird. driving me nuts.

found out why.

life is all about timing.

my friends have foundshould maybe for the first time in your life be open to start being serious about relationships.

never mind this post.

too serious...

poo!

i'm busy...

sorry sorry sorry. i'm bizeeee....

busy with work. busy rehearsing, busy watching the warriors shred, busy ebaying trying to get my throwback nate thurmond jersey, busy with double d, busy with dg. sorreeee. update coming soon. if you wait tooo long it becomes overwhelming. cryptic, but it's good not to fester over these species. double as yet to call and it feels fine. not fine, but ya know.... fine

be back very soon.

poo!

fasting and cleansing...

hey every juan!

lots have happened i think. i went to a pool party with girlhattan. i started reharsing for romeo and juliet. i missed two very important parties. i am tybalt. i have to sing. i started using a cleaning lady today and she changed my life... biggest thing is that i started a cleanse. today is day 2. it is the master cleanse.

not trying to lose weight, butt i weighed in at 159. 8 pounds over bbitw ideal weight. aside from that, i am trying to quit smoking and drink less soda pop. today after two days of eating nada, i wigh 158. i must be drinking a lot of that crazy liquid. i have the fuzzy tongue today. the salt water enema in the morning is insane. i mean, i've seen lotsa poo's. lotsa poo's... i'm the poogene fer cryin out loud. butt today after that enema, i took a flourescent shit that was so explosive i had to wipe my thighs and hips... after realizing that was impossible, i just needed to shower.

stay tuned.

this is going to get weirder.

Pooetry Classic Time! - Aug 31, 2005

here was my ad on craigslist when searching for a new apt two years ago. happy springtime everybody... every juan should really be happy now that the sun is out...



*******************************

hello dearest beautiful friends,

my name is eugene the poogene ...

it appears that after living in the soho neighborhood for two and a half years, i have concluded that i'm probably a little bit too beautiful for this neighborhood. i can no longer stand the guilty pangs i feel in my heart when models walk around with their portfolios and then jump off buildings in despair after looking at me and realizing they have little chance of "making it"

like many other martyrs before me, i have decided that i must move back to the east village.

i was planning on living alone but am open to living with a suitable roomate with similar similarities... before i start the broker route, i decided to tap into my own resources... thus:

here's me in a nutshell :

here's some more info about me:

* when you watch HBO, i have a tendency to sit on top of the television in my underwear and stare at you with a lost gaze (...but only HBO!)

* once a month, i will hold my satanic theater company meetings where we will sacrifice a small goat. these will preferably be held in your room since i just got a new bed.

* i do buy milk, but for some reason i like to drink your milk... out of the carton (but i will fill it back to the point where i drank with my milk... you won't even notice!)

* i like to remain physically fit but my gym doesn't have a pool. so at 4am you will find me doing laps in the kitchen sink.

* if i see a cockroach or a rat i will most likely scream "ARMAGEDDON" and then hide in the "cool 'n' crisp" drawer of our fridge until said creature is properly disposed of.

* i sleepwalk with knives

If this sounds liike a perfect match and an AMAZING opportunity of a lifetime for you or anyone you know that would like to live out their fantasy, i will be holding roomate auditions in the puck building next thursday. life is too short to keep us apart any longer.

for real! i'm planning on moving out october 1. if you know of a place or cool person in a similar sitch lemme know!

sorry to bug you all and thanks so much for your consideration and i love you and i think you're beautiful...

fart!

eugene the poogene

keep moving... nothing to see

hmmm...

our work refridgerator smells today and i sit near it. at first i thought it was my ass and coincidentally every time someone opened the fridge door i could smell my ass. i thought this to be a weird coincidence, butt you can't fool the poogene for long!

that's no coincidence! it's not my ass! it's the fridge.

much much more has happened. butt i been lazy. started buddhism lectures, therapy, and meditation. i always say therapy and meditation, and everyone is like can i get some medication? nope. meditation. it's nice, butt finding 5 minutes a day to meditate is very difficult actually. i mean it's time that could be spent looking in the mirror for god sake. there is a meditation room in soho at the open center which i go to which makes it easier. however it would be more motivating if they had a mirror. and i'm not sure what i'm supposed to be feeling or what the point is yet, butt i'm sure the point of meditation is not to meditate on how soon the 5 minutes is going to end.

speaking of mirrors. they took down the mirrors at the crunch street lafayette gym men's locker room. it's like dude! WTF!??!?! it's not fair that everyone butt me gets to look at my bodacious bod. i wanna look at my body too! they must be jealous of me

the snoppy poster up top. this is my favorite picture of all time. if anyone can find me a poster i'd be much obliged...


yay!

out of left field!

hey there.... just got back from puerto rico surfing with nic and jbrecognize, david, roi, avi, and mogul. butt more than this, i needed to tell you the crazy insane news that i didn't expect at all. my beloved elf swan mickster and my beloved artie have decided to tie the knot. they did so last like the tuesday after that presidents day holiday. they called me up and i guess artie got down on his knees and called her dad and shit and asked for permission and then proposed to her at the restaurant they had their first dinner at inside moto!

can you belee dat?

right there in front of a buncha people. i guess it was the inevitable and i guess they are buying a house together in austin, butt for some reason i just didn't think it was gunna happen anytime soon. right there with his mother's wedding ring.

i'm sooooooooo happy for them and for me.

i been asked to be the co best man for the third time in my life and this one seems to be quite the honor as i wasn't even expecting to be up for nomination this time. well, they're all very honorous butt i wasn't expecting this at all.

anushow.

congratulations artie and mickster. i'm so happy for you guys and i love you so much!

yay!

poo!

miscount!

daddy porkchop said i could update my blog, butt to keep it short as to keep the ekwee-ass up on my blog. anushow, i was looking at my site counter and it was at like 1,096 visitors and for some reason i thought 4 more visitors would hit 2000 people! ha! isn't that laugh out loud funny? four more people! two thousand! isn't that funny? hoooo haa! i had a crazy great dream yesterday. ooo and antony were in it. so were orca's and big giant waves in mexico and ghosts... it was great. i have big news to share with you, butt later. i have a problem with #1. i %^% so much. the four on the floor.. hm. that's all i can write.

fart!

testing...

http://theater.nytimes.com/2006/05/24/theater/reviews/24phae.html

http://www.curtainup.com/asclepius09.html

http://www.thevillager.com/villager_214/notyourparents.html

http://theater.nytimes.com/2009/01/30/theater/reviews/30corn.html?fta=y

http://www.loco7.org/9_windows/index.html

http://www.offoffonline.com/archives.php?id=74

http://www.offoffonline.com/archiveprinterfriendly.php?id=743

do you smell something burning? shit! i'm on FIRE!!!!

can't go into specifics. not because i'm modest... (god no) butt i think it would be very tacky and it's disrepectful- butt believe me if there was ever a time i wanted to be disrespectful and tacky. this is it!

ok.

i'll share a smidge. hell must be icy as hell and donkey's must be flying because i am having a lot of eggs lately.

there. that's all you get. yup. all you two readers out there! that's all you get bitches!

first off. i'd like to thank daddy porkchop for this beautiful animated gif. a pic he took from the amazing website which is indeed, the superficial and made it his own. or rather my own for me. that really is harry potter in equus, or in this case unhairy pooter.

what else has been going on?


i have been on the counties for over a week which probably wasn't too smart. my last experience with jimmy was on the counties and we ended up having eggs and all i could muster up was a small rubbery penis. and then he had to leave for korea the next day. not exactly the last note you want someone to remember you by...

oops!

it is friggin cold. i don't ever remember it being this cold for such an extended period of time in new york. single digits for like a month now? there was snow on the ground so i decided to be cute and write jimmy + poogene with a heart drawn around it and send it to jimmy... how do these people do it? by the time i was finishing his name my finger was purple and had no feeling and thus the writing looked like slop. can't even read the last letters of her name and then i just made poo instead of poogene. the heart? are you kidding me? maybe in my braver years... anushow in the end it said something like jim&^ + poo with no heart.

uhm... almost kinda romantic in some parts of the world. maybes?

valentines day was actually fun this year. however before i decided to go to the gymnasty and it was at like 7:30pm when all the lovebirds were at dinner. i was like, oh god i don't even wanna go cuz it'll be like oh! that guy's all alone on vday! butt then i thought maybe there'll be another cute lonely juan out there.

umm. no-

seems like everyone at crunch has a sweetheart except for me, some crazy haag in pink and green tights that sings out loud while on the stairmaster, and a balding dude with a krokus t-shirt. bowing my head in disappointment, i continued on to to work my chest and shoulders and i looked in the mirror. i was wearing pink socks and women's versace sweats that displayed the outline of my penis which was about a leviathan like 1.2 inches.

hm... i guess i was in like company after all.

butt then i went to shortie's vday party and met up with manderoni and that was really good to see them....

then i went to friko's party and it was an anti-vday party. anti-vday are weird because they are basically singles parties and singles parties are fuckin weird dude. it's like hello! i'm alone, let's try and meet and maybe something will work out, here's my number. or like you talk to someone and they're like- don't even think about it bub. i'm like think about what? i just want to meet you people. maybe not.

i dunno. wahtever it was. i just like talking to people without that pressure, not to say i'm not one of the lonely ones, butt i couldn't take that environ. i split after my obligatory 20 minutes to the host and then had a very nice rest of the night.

saw the voysey affair at the atlantic theater company, easily one of the best companies in the united states now... (mamet/macy) on friday night which was extremely well acted and put together. went with tanya fun club and she proved to be quite a fun personality. hope to see her again soon. ooops! i did! today! she gave me a massage w/ reiki.

can't say my neck feels any better. it's really spiraling out of control now and i need for it to change. i was banking on the technology and medicine to have replaceable body parts by now. like going into a duane reade and buying new neck and liver. as of right now. my neck is scrood.

enough for now.

sweet dreams.

i lost my book the jimmy gave me. i'm so sorry....

cocteau twins are so beautiful

rip to my biggest teenage crush...

dammit... i first saw you when you won playmate of the year the year i turned 21. you were like the craziest thing i'd ever seen to date and i loved you so much. i guess you were crazy, but i like crazy. sorry things didn't work out so well and that you left so tragically young. thanks for making my college life a lot more exciting too... really. i know people say you were a negligent mother, pill popper, money sucking whore, butt you seemed like you had a good heart. besides... i'm attracted to freaks and you were definitely a freak of the highest order.

hmm...

at your peak i remember showing you to my late BFF allan alvarez and he said "holy shit! no one can beat her!"

dude... way totes.

i love you anna. bye bye and i hope you are peace...

fuck.

and fuck all the people that make fun of dead people on blogs. way weak.

poo!

bye bye jimmy...

jimmy thinks this video is funny. hey jimmy. i leave for san francisco and when i come back you will be gone. life is so random james. i never go to the meatpacking district and i never go out on monday nights and that's where we met when you were drunk off your buttcheeks. you're the first korean dude i ever kissed and it was actually quite nice. everytime i was with you i felt very easy and forgot you were godzilla. you never acted like you were godzilla around me and you were completely unpretentious, adorable, funny, goofy, classy, and gracious. i'll probably never see you again after tonight- our last night together. maybe i'll be more into korean men after this butt i doubt it. unless they have super smooth nice butts- anushow i was a bit funky and you totally cheered me up and i am forever grateful. i hope we can go to greece like we talked about someday. i dunno maybe when we see each other again, we'll both be married...

life is funny we repeated to each other

anushow.

hope your life continues to be wonderful and thanks so much for a fun two weeks.

fart!

marianne poothful

not really, butt uhm...

urine deep trouble

i thought that these lowered urinals were for children, but on sunday night at the movies with jbrecognize i discovered that they could also be used by black dudes!

dope!

devil's advocado...

dudes!

i discovered the secret to cooking at home!!! you just buy avocado's and that's it! jbrecognize turned me on to it! they're so delicious, anyone can do it! you can even take a shit and slap some avocado on it and voila! that shit is delicious! litrully!

so i hung out with jung-hwa on friday night. i was all nervous beforehand on what to do, my mom told me she was married, so i decided to get a little loopy and then when it came time to meet her in a bar, i crawled up to her on my hands and knees and rubbed my head against her knee. pretty bad move. she thought i was nuts and i had to pull it back a bit. as the night wore on, i found out she isn't married- i overheard her stylist say she was a singer and i played dumb. really? you sing? are you any good? have you decided to pursue a career in it? really? it is your career? really? you're well known? ... the night wore on and it was fun. we kissed a couple times, butt i think i was too loopy that i forgot how to french kiss. i was trying to remember if i go in with my mouth open or if i go and kiss her and then open my mouth. idiot. plus i didn't wanna get all up in her mouth in front of her posse. anushow. we kissed a couple times, but no lengua. longest kiss was maybe 2.8 seconds. some warm embraces, butt i just said good night and she left for los angeles.

gunna cook dinner for her and her stylist and her other friend soon.

saturday i cleaned my house. man. i'm a dipshit and do not know how to clean. i see a pile of shit and i decide to move like two pencils at a time and on my way of putting them in the same drawer as my underwear, i get distracted and decide to wash some dishes. while washing some dishes, i decide to change the music. while i'm on itunes, i decide to look for some cowboy boots on ebay, while one ebay i forget that i'm looking for boots and look at the gucci fanny packs. i just can't fucking clean.

anyhow. running on three hours sleep, i go see danny krivit with lei which i have to say again, rooled. i go to roemer's house from danny krivit and need to wash my versace sweats in her kitchen sink because i danced in them and they are longer than my legs so like the bottoms are all muddy and i love these sweats. i spend another hour cleaning them with hot water, then i use sarah's nice face products and try to get rid of this ginormous polpys of a zit to the stage left of my nose. i think this is the biggest zit of my adult career. the kind of zit that i usually would call in sick to work. anushow i get to bed at 6:30 after spanking to cinemax and then i have to wake up at friggin 7:45 because i promised to help her setup for the ave a flea market which is why i slept over.

so then i go back to her house and crash til 1. bring my sweats to get dry cleaned. head over to brooklyn to polly and jonny's brunch in honor of their future child. see a buncha good friends. get home and jbrecognize convinces me to go see somkin' aces because he's been in an acting workshop all weekend. i get hella loopy and then meet him at the theater. i put my hat down at the ticket counter. the movie had moments, butt overall sucked. looked for my hat all over my seat, all over my backpack because i was making a concious effort to not lose shit. and then josh found it still hanging out at the ticket booth 3 hours later.

weak.

slept over josh's. couldn't fall asleep until like 2 and woke up at 9. still need a great night of sleep after a combined 16 hours in the last 3 days. my zit is now a big scab after i played with it. i was a jerk to #1 today and i hope to make it up tomorrow.

saw crash tonight as i cooked a yam, bacon, avocado (yum), and greens salad, with blackened tilapia and beans and rice and watched crash which was good butt shouldn't have won best movie last year.. it sure is fulfilling cooking for yourself. i ate smiling and proud of myself.

like i said. i need to sleep.

good night.

danny krivit is my savior...

so i met up with leilani last night to go to 205 where danny krivit was spinning downstairs... dude! the best soulful tracks / disco / old school disco imagineable! thank you so much for the best dance night since that one epic day at ps1 when you rocked us then! danny krivit roolz!

Josephine Cochran is my hero...

she invented the dishwasher. apologies to the world for assuming that the inventor was some guy... well, accourding to my appliance, i thought Ken More invented it.

the trouble with all in one stores like a lot of stores is that i had a very special need for some lamb shanks for watching tom shanks look really really weird and is not aging well... last week for my #1 crush (whom by the way i have decided to give up) the dinner turned out sooooo dope.... butt when i called whole foods to see if they had lamb shank, they said we have a couple kinds. i'm like !?!?!? couple kinds of lamb shank!? i never cooked it so maybe there's different kinds of lamb shanks. like tom lamb shanks... so i get there and i talk to the lady and she takes me to lamp shades... i'm like, ?!?!!? turns out they were out of lamb shank, so i had to go to dean & deluca to get me some shanks. braising is a very delicious cooking method by the way. i'm going to see if they have hell at whole foods so that maybe i can try to braise hell...

umm. is whole foods supposed to be cheap? i thought it was like a trader joe's.. can someone tell me if it's supposed to be a value market? i guess not since i get no visitors on this blog, butt if someone by chance knows if whole foods is not supposed to be cheap lemme know! the mahi-mahi is more expensive than at dean and deloooks! that's ridiculouse!

addendum to the last post-

to her credit for actually kissing me, she was completely wasted and probably had no idear what she was doing. and by no means was it a make out sesh. just a coupla gregory pecks...

so the top three crushes are now nil... and i have no crushes. i will be casting new crushes next wednesday at 367 little west 12th street from 9-11pm. no emails or phone calls will be returned.
ladies... this is your big break.

uhm...

so like...


i went to the club cielo last night and some random girl came up to me and said you're asian! and i said i'm korean and she says really? do you know who i am, i'm like no and then like an hour later we were ***** up in da cluuuub and then some gay korean fashion stylist dude came up to me as i was leaving and said you're a lucky guy, do you know who that is?!??

that's uhm jung-hwa, that's uhm jung hwa- the biggest pop singer/actress in korea!!!!

happy poo year!

i got a lot to tell all you all... butt more later.

right now, i'm cooking dinner with workhorse and babs for her birthday. they are playing wii right now and i started cooking a salt crusted striped bass.

more on my super argentina trip later, my new years resolution, and the end of the mlc later.

just wanted to share with you that after i got back from argentina, i didn't wanna shower because i didn't wanna dry out my skin to preserve my luscious tan. so i didn't shower for like a week. and maybe i took some chewy shits... i dunno. whatever it was i was walking around my apartment naked and i dropped something and then when i squatted down to pick it up i could smell my ass...

so... who wants to make out?


anushow, happy poo papsmyear!